[Chews on the inside of his cheek. Honestly he really doesn't want to ask about any of it; the memories are muddled at best, completely missing at worst and he's really not too keen to bring more of that time back, but...]
A lot of my two years at ShinRa is gone, but I mostly remember Nibelheim now...correctly, at least. The labs- [Something sticks in his throat and he clears it with a cough.] I don't remember much. Or much from after, before Midgar.
...if it's hard to talk about...I don't need to know. [He's not sure he wants to know. If it's more about the danger the Planet's in, has been in, if it's about experiments and monsters and ShinRa, Cloud would rather not know.
Zack, I don't even- [Cloud sighs, burying his face in his hands before scrubbing them through his hair.] I don't even know what to ask. [He'd have to say 'give me the whole story' which Zack clearly isn't comfortable with.]
I'm wondering if we should just- I mean, is it something I should know? That I need to know? [Cloud used to have to know why like it was an addiction but ever since that breakdown, he's been more than happy to leave things alone. Asking Zack to go into detail about before the labs feels like poking at a sleeping bear. There's a reason Cloud doesn't remember his ShinRa days, isn't there?]
[Nngh. That's a good question. Zack goes quiet for a few moments, mulling things over, but the more he thinks about it the more he realizes that they could go back and forth like this for ages- asking questions back and forth, dancing around it, avoiding all the worst bits- it's not going to help anyone.
He'll just... do what he can. See where it leads.]
How about if I start at the beginning? See if we can shake a few screws loose in your head. Maybe you'll hear something familiar.
[Okay, time to chill out, Cloud. This is Zack. He's not going to try and manipulate you through your fuzzy memories, so just. Shelve that particular sentiment right from the get go and maybe attempt trusting his judgment for a while.]
...alright. Yeah. ...yeah, let's give that a shot.
True to his word Zack starts off at the beginning, the Modeoheim mission where they first met. He explains the barebones of why they were there and the situation with Shinra - it's polish and noise and little else, the reasons mattering less than the basis of their friendship, in his mind. He stumbles uncomfortably through Angeal's death and the legacy of the Buster sword, but he forges ahead stubbornly; he figures that, if Cloud couldn't remember what happened, he might not have even known where he got the sword from to begin with. From Modeoheim he focuses on Junon, from Junon to the smattering of missions in between. Embrace your dreams, he recites quietly, the words ingrained, the creed that became his own when he killed Angeal and accepted the Buster as his own. Words that, he hoped, inspired the troops who came to look at him as someone to aspire to. It used to be terrifying, just as much as it was a dream come true.
"So you wanna be a SOLDIER? Hang in there."
Well, he'd be a hypocrite if he hadn't embraced those dreams once they became a reality.
When he reaches Nibelheim he falters, briefly, ducking his head. Cloud was there, and he remembers enough of it that Zack does his best to fill in the blanks- Sephiroth's realization in the reactor, when Cloud had been forced to wait outside with Tifa, his week-long obsession in the manor's restricted basement, nose buried in too many books. His own fight with Sephiroth, up until Cloud arrived to finish the job. And then...]
...Then I think the Turks showed up. I was too out of it to see who they were, but I recognized the suits. Hojo and his flunkies took over, and we ended up in the basement lab. He said... he wanted you for a sample. Think I was just a bonus on the side.
[Just hearing the word 'sample' is enough to make his skin crawl, but at least it sounds like Zack hates the taste of it as much as Cloud does.]
...I think you- ...I think I heard your side of Nibelheim before. [It's the exact story he told Tifa and the others, after all, minus the ending.] I'd thought I did all that stuff. It's what I told the others...I really thought it was true. [Even now he can remember his sense of unease at seeing Sephiroth deep in the library, reading day after day. It's terrifying how real it still feels, even now that he knows the truth.]
[He doesn't know if Cloud needs to hear it, but he'll say it anyway, as often as he has to. The experiments in the lab hit Cloud the hardest, and it shows. Zack would be more concerned if he hadn't come out a little bit screwed in the head.]
Yeah, I told you about all that stuff while we were locked up. When they weren't drowning us in mako, anyway. Sometimes I'd just... talk, you know? Fill the void, keep us both sane. Wasn't much else we could do.
[Cloud didn't know he needed to hear it, but now that Zack's said it...it's almost like an "I forgive you." Almost. It makes him feel a little less badly about it, anyway.]
...sorry. I can't say I want to remember everything, but...I'm sorry you had to go through so much alone.
...Hey, weren't you listening? I wasn't alone. Even if you don't remember it, you were there with me.
[Whether Cloud was fully conscious or aware the whole time doesn't matter. Having someone else there, not crazy and not a scientist, someone who didn't belong as much as him? Someone who'd faced Sephiroth, experienced the hell of Nibelheim, was a friend... that's someone irreplaceable. ]
...Look, Cloud, I'm not here to magically absolve you of whatever guilt you're carting around. You already explained yourself and apologized. I already said it's okay, that I trust you, that I know you didn't do whatever you did on purpose. I threw the blame on Hojo and Seph where it belongs. You gotta make peace with it yourself, so don't make it my job.
[sorry dude but he's really sick of people forcing their problems on him at this point.]
[Kind of gapes at Zack for a second before his face twists into a scowl and he pushes off of the wall.] Am I inconveniencing you, talking aloud about this? Hey, by all means, you can just take off. Don't think you're obligated to babysit my complexes or anything, you've done enough babysitting already.
[this is such a stupid ridiculous escalation that Zack has to get up and march around a bit, hands on his hips. What the fuck, he's not used to this.
Just gonna take a minute to cool down across the room, pointedly ignoring Cloud. God does he ever wish he had the Buster, more than ever; Angeal's little moment-of-calm habit really started to do wonders when he actually learned to use it.]
[Ugh well now it's stupid, and Cloud glares at Zack's back before turning away as well and starting some squat reps to help get rid of this anxious energy.
It's not he's just dumping on Zack, right? He's not expecting anything from him. -and even if he is, Zack just always brushes that stuff off, even after cloud just told him everything he did. He can't just sit here and let Zack say everything was Hojo's fault, everything was Sephiroth's fault. ...even if most of it is. BUT he's still got to take personal responsibility for his part! ...not that that's Zack's problem.
[There isn't exactly a lot of space really have a proper breather - even with the expansion upgrades the personal rooms are still pretty cozy. Zack settles for resting his hands against the furthest wall and leaning his head in between, breathing in, out, letting the chill of the wall take him out of the heated situation the way the metal of his sword used to. It works, kind of. Not the same (nothing is), but he has to remind himself a few times that this isn't supposed to be the same as it usually is, this isn't a real fight. Bickering with Cloud over this and that (not stupid things, he reminds himself as well) isn't the same as facing off against Wutai soldiers, against clones, against monsters. Against an army of former comrades out to end his life.
Just... breathe. Just talk with him.
Not so easy now that you can, is it?
With an unsteady exhale he turns back to face Cloud, and finds him... doing squats? What the hell, he didn't know Cloud did that, too. Or maybe that's another trait he borrowed from Zack.
[Just gonna keep glaring at the floor, because he can't wipe this expression off his face and he doesn't want to glare at Zack.]
Three hundred- seventy-five- I think. [He's only edging up on fifty now, so he's hardly breaking a sweat, though he's a little out of breath.] I can- do more'n that. Just- not a lotta- downtime.
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A lot of my two years at ShinRa is gone, but I mostly remember Nibelheim now...correctly, at least. The labs- [Something sticks in his throat and he clears it with a cough.] I don't remember much. Or much from after, before Midgar.
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Nobody wants to remember the lab. Don't worry about that stuff.
[He's not sure he'd be able to answer even if Cloud asked, so it's for the best.]
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Until he changes his mind, that is.]
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Look, I... if you want me to talk about it, I can try. You answered all of my questions, so I might as well do the same.
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I'm wondering if we should just- I mean, is it something I should know? That I need to know? [Cloud used to have to know why like it was an addiction but ever since that breakdown, he's been more than happy to leave things alone. Asking Zack to go into detail about before the labs feels like poking at a sleeping bear. There's a reason Cloud doesn't remember his ShinRa days, isn't there?]
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He'll just... do what he can. See where it leads.]
How about if I start at the beginning? See if we can shake a few screws loose in your head. Maybe you'll hear something familiar.
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...alright. Yeah. ...yeah, let's give that a shot.
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True to his word Zack starts off at the beginning, the Modeoheim mission where they first met. He explains the barebones of why they were there and the situation with Shinra - it's polish and noise and little else, the reasons mattering less than the basis of their friendship, in his mind. He stumbles uncomfortably through Angeal's death and the legacy of the Buster sword, but he forges ahead stubbornly; he figures that, if Cloud couldn't remember what happened, he might not have even known where he got the sword from to begin with. From Modeoheim he focuses on Junon, from Junon to the smattering of missions in between. Embrace your dreams, he recites quietly, the words ingrained, the creed that became his own when he killed Angeal and accepted the Buster as his own. Words that, he hoped, inspired the troops who came to look at him as someone to aspire to. It used to be terrifying, just as much as it was a dream come true.
"So you wanna be a SOLDIER? Hang in there."
Well, he'd be a hypocrite if he hadn't embraced those dreams once they became a reality.
When he reaches Nibelheim he falters, briefly, ducking his head. Cloud was there, and he remembers enough of it that Zack does his best to fill in the blanks- Sephiroth's realization in the reactor, when Cloud had been forced to wait outside with Tifa, his week-long obsession in the manor's restricted basement, nose buried in too many books. His own fight with Sephiroth, up until Cloud arrived to finish the job. And then...]
...Then I think the Turks showed up. I was too out of it to see who they were, but I recognized the suits. Hojo and his flunkies took over, and we ended up in the basement lab. He said... he wanted you for a sample. Think I was just a bonus on the side.
[What an honour for them both, right?]
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...I think you- ...I think I heard your side of Nibelheim before. [It's the exact story he told Tifa and the others, after all, minus the ending.] I'd thought I did all that stuff. It's what I told the others...I really thought it was true. [Even now he can remember his sense of unease at seeing Sephiroth deep in the library, reading day after day. It's terrifying how real it still feels, even now that he knows the truth.]
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[He doesn't know if Cloud needs to hear it, but he'll say it anyway, as often as he has to. The experiments in the lab hit Cloud the hardest, and it shows. Zack would be more concerned if he hadn't come out a little bit screwed in the head.]
Yeah, I told you about all that stuff while we were locked up. When they weren't drowning us in mako, anyway. Sometimes I'd just... talk, you know? Fill the void, keep us both sane. Wasn't much else we could do.
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...sorry. I can't say I want to remember everything, but...I'm sorry you had to go through so much alone.
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[Whether Cloud was fully conscious or aware the whole time doesn't matter. Having someone else there, not crazy and not a scientist, someone who didn't belong as much as him? Someone who'd faced Sephiroth, experienced the hell of Nibelheim, was a friend... that's someone irreplaceable. ]
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...Look, Cloud, I'm not here to magically absolve you of whatever guilt you're carting around. You already explained yourself and apologized. I already said it's okay, that I trust you, that I know you didn't do whatever you did on purpose. I threw the blame on Hojo and Seph where it belongs. You gotta make peace with it yourself, so don't make it my job.
[sorry dude but he's really sick of people forcing their problems on him at this point.]
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It's not about convenience, or babysitting. You know that. But I'm not a damn mindreader. What do you want from me?
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Just gonna take a minute to cool down across the room, pointedly ignoring Cloud. God does he ever wish he had the Buster, more than ever; Angeal's little moment-of-calm habit really started to do wonders when he actually learned to use it.]
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It's not he's just dumping on Zack, right? He's not expecting anything from him. -and even if he is, Zack just always brushes that stuff off, even after cloud just told him everything he did. He can't just sit here and let Zack say everything was Hojo's fault, everything was Sephiroth's fault. ...even if most of it is. BUT he's still got to take personal responsibility for his part! ...not that that's Zack's problem.
..god damn it.
Better concentrate on these squats instead.]
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Just... breathe. Just talk with him.
Not so easy now that you can, is it?
With an unsteady exhale he turns back to face Cloud, and finds him... doing squats? What the hell, he didn't know Cloud did that, too. Or maybe that's another trait he borrowed from Zack.
Still weird. But not terrible-weird. Hmm.]
...Not bad. What's your record?
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Three hundred- seventy-five- I think. [He's only edging up on fifty now, so he's hardly breaking a sweat, though he's a little out of breath.] I can- do more'n that. Just- not a lotta- downtime.
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